I enjoy being able to control everything that has even the slightest relation to me, so that is why I have never even thought that I would be able to trust someone else.
It was for a long time that this lasted, however, all that ever happened was stained with negativity and shame, and now I am grateful that life never gave me a chance to confirm my beliefs. It was at one moment that I got so worn out and realized that there was nothing to lose anymore.
I have just moved into a different country, about which I did not have any idea and that could be considered a time not suitable for extra experiments as I had no support.

It was so sudden and unexpected, happened in a matter of minutes. I suddenly felt like a fish that has been frozen for too long and then got put out directly into rays of sizzling sunshine. The two months that I spent here really brought back all the sincerity and calmness into my life, and so I decided to try and stay there.

I desperately needed a place to live, clothes to wear, and food to eat. There was also an ongoing question regarding my visa, so I have made a firm decision to only do whatever brings me happiness. I wanted to help people who needed me, offer consultations, and guide them through seminars. I have asked all my clients to pay an amount that would suit them so that they would choose my price themselves.

It has been twelve years since that moment.
Nobody believed me in the beginning. They question whether it is possible to live in the modern world like that, because of the stereotypes that they hold.
It is hard to believe what I try to bring. They say that it is impossible to not know where you are to sleep tonight. They do not understand how to manage without a plan in advance, without medical insurance or stable income.

I never oppose them. If they don't believe me, then they still have full rights.

I am 46 now, and throughout my life, I have worked in an office for 26 months. I managed to get that job after graduation, and no matter how many times I attempted to switch my work locations, it would always get unbearable, even though I surely did have a set place and graphic plan for the day as well as a guaranteed stable income.

And I'm not even joking. I can still remember the morning on which I last attempted to live a normal life the last time. I have already received a respected spot in a respected company at that point. It was February, and the time was dawn. I entered the underground system and fit my body into the closely packed others, and I finally realized. Other decades of the same living method will not change a thing, will not matter in my life. I might have as well died then.

And now, I was scared for real. I would be the last person in the queue for suicide and have never had a single thought about it. But I knew so many situations in which a person loses their meaning of life and quickly gets thrown out of the undesired reality so quickly it is hard to imagine.

I have never gone to an office since that day. Neither do I carry on searching for an ordinary job. Everything that I do – I love, and I can complete the task. I only do the things in which I see feedback, a positive outcome, and a great value. This is all part of my deal with the world, and I am the one responsible for it. It is not my worry or question of how, when, how much, why, and through whom my money will come.

The good news is that the fear passes after about a year, during which your only brain's thoughts are centered around the absence of income.
Three methods will help get rid of these psychotic episodes:
  • 1
    An honest belief that somebody is guiding you.
    Somebody cares and somebody worries about you. There are so many resources in this huge world and so there is no need to fight for them. That is valid even if you don't want to hear anything related to this fact.

    It is your brain that is demanding a plan or guarantee, so that is why it is hard to settle down in an atmosphere full of unsureness. You will have to learn how to let it flow and leave it alone without trying to intercept the events. They will continue to work just fine. Never let the terror stop you from the diversity of life paths you could follow, that the universe has prepared. It knows more about what you need.

  • 2
    An ability to ask other people for help.
    This was the hardest one to develop for me. I would rather die than come off as weak in front of others, all due to my tremendous pride. It would convince me that I have all the things needed – my legs, arms, and functioning head. But life is a great teacher. A couple of situations in which you will simply have no choice but to seek help will just be enough. Yes, you do have everything that you need, but one of the crucial points in this list is the people around you.
  • 3
    The desire to serve people and give them everything that you possibly can and are successful at.
    To be more exact – this means that you will carry out whatever the reason you got brought into this world. People say: yes, that is what work is for. They do what they have abilities in and receive their cash. But the real important factor is whether they would be able to do whatever they are busy with without a set result and with no guarantee for the payback. It is only possible if you find your real value and do the things you cannot live without.
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